Playgroup

My oldest daughter and her children belong to a play group, which seems to be the modern equivalent of having lots of children or living in a neighborhood with lots of kids near the same age.  Her group is diverse, in the real sense that several religions and at least two widely differing political views are held, although everyone is the same politically incorrect skin color.  One of the moms was born in and remains a citizen of another country.  One is an accountant, one an engineer, one a teacher.  In true sisterhood they care for each other and all the children.

There's no diversity of intelligence.  These girls are all smart, and well informed, and well educated.   And they are all making serious sacrifices to stay home and rear their children themselves.  Now before I get hit with a hailstorm of comments, let me say that I do realize that some mothers truly are financially obligated to work.  Some would go nuts if they didn't work.  And some are the only support of a family.  I was a single mom, and this post is not a depreciation of the incredible work done by single parents.  I only wish somehow we as a society could give you the choice to stay home, where so many of you would like to be.

But with all that said, there can't be any question that children who have decent parents do the very best when those parents rear them personally.  Even the most vocal supporters of day care aren't saying it's better; the most they can claim is that it's maybe, kinda, almost just as good as family care.

Looking at the lack of positive benefits and the undoubted risks of institutionalized care, parents might do well to reconsider the financial angles.  If your kids don't eat when you don't work, that's a little different from them having to do without kindergym or  having to share a bedroom with their siblings.  Ask a child if he'd rather have gourmet food and daycare or if he'd prefer mac and cheese with Mom or Dad.   

The real problem with letting a nanny or a daycare rear your children for you is that you don't realize how subtly and deeply it changes your child, and you, until it's over.  Right now America has an oversupply of 20 and 30 somethings whose waking hours were spent with a rotating roster of $8.00 an hour helpers.  They look at your lapels and say it was cool, that Mom had to work.  They're fine, thanks for asking.

Then they reconnect themselves to their best friend, the ipod, and amble off to - well - "whatever."  They don't feel connected to the places where they live, they don't volunteer or go to church, they can't seem to work out a stable love life, they don't stay attached to their siblings, who were in different "age groups" at the day care. 

Meanwhile their parents, the boomers, we're at the mall or the copy machine or the spa griping to each other about how the kids never call.  And when they do call, we have nothing to say to each other.  And when we do say anything, it's a fight about grandchildren or lack of them, and about both generations overuse of drugs, food; unhealthy relationships and career obsessions.  Parents wonder when they are going to see the returns, in the coin of respect and contentment, for the 150K they spent on their hollow-eyed darlings.  Young adults feel pressured and abandoned at the same time.

Significantly, in many families today the young adults feel most connected to their grandparents.  You know, those men and women of the greatest generation, who just like the kids were shuffled off by the boomers to live in institutions.

Back at my daughter's playgroup, tips are being traded about efficient use of limited house space and nourishing food that kids will actually eat.  A group Ebay enterprise has been set up and generates a substantial amount of cash without anyone having to be away from their family.  Plus it's fun for the moms.  One mom is studying for an advanced degree, an inch at a time it's true, but she won't need it for four more years when her youngest goes to school so the timing is perfect.

Do these young moms wish they could go to London instead of Portland, Oregon for vacations?  They sure do.  Are they longing for party dresses and new jewelry?  Yep.  Does it sting to see the bigger houses and newer cars they won't own till the kids are much older?  Of course it does.  But these material things are the jelly, not the meat and potatoes, of their lives.  And they know it even while they gripe about it.

My daughter looks at the women her age who work, usually so they can afford a car and suits and take-out  that they wouldn't need if they didn't work.  She sees them missing their babies ten hours a day to make payments on a bigger house they don't have any time to enjoy.  She hears the stories of milestones reached with the only witness being the daycare worker, who really didn't seem too impressed.  She sees the stress on marriages where no one is available weekdays to fix a good dinner or let in the repair man or shop for birthday presents.   

She watches people rushing around on weekends like meth addicts, catching up the errands and laundry so they can rush around all week catching up at their jobs.  She wonders when any of them are going to put themselves and their families first, if they ever put their feet up, breathe deeply and experience the simple contentment of just being alive.

She's happy with her too-small house, her unstylish practical clothes, her shabby furniture.  Because she's the one who knows her children best, and her marriage is well-tended and strong.  It's quite likely that when her kids grow up, instead of finding her incomprehensible and tedious, they will seek out her company.  They'll probably remain close and supportive of her and each other.  The other moms at the playgroup can say the same happy things about their lives.      

They may not drive big shiny desks, but they're powerful, influential women, and plenty smart.

Comments

[Michelle]

Wow - your post was powerful and hit the nail right on the head. I am a stay at home and left an advancing career to be home with my children. I wouldn't have it any other way and would make any sacrifice necessary to make it happen. I think a lot of times it does come down to priorities. I was a teacher and frequently saw parents who placed their children in child care and drove off in a $75,000 vehicle. They would then wonder why their children wouldn't respond to them when there was an issue at school. I'm not saying this is the case with all parents who work outside the home, but in my experience, it was a common reality. No, my clothes aren't as modern as I'd like them to be and our home is not adorned with all the latest gadgets and toys, but my kids value their home life, feel very connected with their family and know that when anything "rocks their world" they always have open arms to run to. I am by no means, slamming parents who both work. As a matter of fact, i too returned to work for a short time while all three of my children were young. I can tell you that any time their were any issues, incidents or difficulties, I always wondered what might have happened while I was at work. Of course, it couldn't possibly be anything I had done . Now, I take great comfort knowing about everything that took place during my child's day. In the long term, I won't have to question why my children turned out the way they did because as their primary caregiver i will know all the details and take full responsibility.

[A Hermit]

I really get sick and tired of this silly "daycare = letting someone else rear your children" line.

My wife and I raised our children. We did it with some help from fine, caring daycare providers, but at the end of the day we were the ones tucking them into bed, reading to them, teaching them about right and wrong and respect.

The daycare experience, for our children, was a very positive one. they gained confidence, social skills and a sense of independence which I believe serves them well today as young adults.

I have tremendous respect for anyone who made the decision to stay at home with their young children, but that's not possible for everyone, or necessarily the best decision even for those who could afford to do so economically, and I get sick and tired of seeing articles and blog posts like this one which make simpleminded correlations between the shortcomings of today's youth (a perpetual theme of bitter old curmudgeons since the days of Aristotle...some things never change) and the choices made by millions of responsible parents like myself and my wife.

My boys put the lie to the whole "daycare kids grow into disconnected youth" image you present here. They are responsible, respectful engaging young men with clear plans for their futures and social circles of similar fine young people (many of whom also went through daycare). I give at least some of the credit for their development to the daycare experience. It was never a substitute for good parenting, it was an additional resource, and a valuable one.

There may indeed be families who fit the pigeonhole you've created here, but in my experience they are not the norm. It's certainly a mistake to generalize form the bad examples to characterize all who use daycare as having abandoned the responsibility for raising their children to the care of strangers. Daycare may not have been the right choice for you, but that doesn't mean it was the wrong choice for anyone else.

And that choice was not a selfish one; we both worked, not so we could drive a $75,000 car (our first house cost less than that, and until last year our `91 Ford Tempo was referred to as "the new car") but so that our children would have opportunities we would not have otherwise been able to provide for them.

Don't be so quick to judge; there may be parents whose selfishness and material obsessions deprive their children of love and affection, but that is the fault of those parents, not of daycare , and not of responsible loving parents who use daycare in a responsible way. That would be most of us.

Thanks for letting me rant a little.