A passing question from a friend caused me to re-read The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan. It's easy to recommend this book; whether you like history, botany, psychology, or mysteries, you are likely to find something fascinating about it. The first time around I was struck by the potential and scope of selective breeding and genetic engineering. Pollan's main thesis, in fact, is that people and plants have evolved together in a long dance; led perhaps more by the plants than by us. But this reading it was the biochemical aspects of sex and marriage that grabbed my attention.
Since marriage is getting a bad rap everywhere, I welcome any excuse to make a case for it. And to do that I'm going to put it in bed with two unlikely partners: Taoist philosophy, and marijuana as it is understood by Pollan.
In most western societies, men make light of marriage and commitment, calling wives "the old ball and chain" and commiserating with any man headed for the altar. Yet statistics show that marriage is a better deal, actually a MUCH better deal, for men than for women. Financially, socially, sexually, men benefit from marriage. Married men are healthier and have better, more satisfying careers. Most convincingly, married men live far longer than not-married men.
Women usually don't have to be sold on the idea of marriage. Genetically we are programmed to find a man, follow him around like a puppy, then volunteer with cheerful innocence to be nursemaids and slaves for the children that result. Strange, because for women, marriage is statistically a bad career move and a consumer of personal "happiness". Married women are less healthy than single women and live no longer. Yet women seek marriage, congratulate their friends for it and idealize it in many ways.
Let's look at the negatives of marriage for each gender. For men, the biggest cost by far is the loss or perceived loss of sexual variety. For women, the loss is one of general daily and long-term freedom and flexibility. Marriage usually means children, children are almost always cared for by women, and child-rearing is a tedious, full time job that goes on for many years. Also, pregnancy and nursing are physically draining and leave permanent scars.
The wonder is that people ever get married at all, that having done so they stay married and actually enjoy it, and that at the end of a long life, married people as a group will have done noticeably better in almost every way than not-married people. How does this happen; how, over the eons, have we made it work?
In The Botany of Desire Pollan outlines the history of humanity's use of hallucinogens and outlines recent dramatic improvements in marijuana culture. He looks briefly at the possible benefits of being high. Along with medical uses (pain relief, enhancing appetite, promoting sleep) he lists many creative geniuses whose work was accomplished, at least in part, with the help of various hallucinogens including THC, the active "ingredient" in marijuana.
But never does he consider the help that THC may have been across the millenia, as men and women attempted to bridge the gender gap, live and work together, and ensure their survival and that of their children. To me this is the most interesting of all uses!
The best and worst effect of THC on people is the short term memory impairment. It's good because it allows the intense sensations that come from being undistracted; from one-pointedness, to use the Taoist term. It's bad, too, because we can't operate for long in this altered state. For most healthy people, the amount of input we allow and process minute to minute is already finely tuned to maximize our functioning in life. Suppressing the short term memory, filtering out most of the "background noise" of sights, smells, sounds, touches, has to be an infrequent thing or the overall efficiency and quality of life is degraded.
Anyone who's ever smoked a joint can remember being enthralled with the sparkle and clarity and crispness of a window, or blown away listening over and over to one melody line in a song, or mesmerized by the form, line and grace of a teapot or polished boot or painting. This same effect can be reached using only the mind's own chemicals, by meditating, fasting, or from extended exercise.
The mechanism is suppression of serotonin, by the THC in marijuana or from endorphins created in the brain itself.
THC or endorphins can also be used to remedy almost all the effects of pregnancy; reducing nausea, relaxing muscles and relieving pain, even the pain of childbirth. This same chemical brain boost, however caused, has also been used with some success in therapy. It allows people to better concentrate on each other, to get deeper into each other's realities.
Now we can start to see how marriage comes into this. For men struggling to translate religious or philosophical or practical monogamy into practice, there is easier concentration on and greater appreciation of the wife. The variety or serial monogamy dreamed about by most men can be more easily submerged into the demands and rewards of a lifetime mate when her sexual details are intensified and expanded inside the man's mind.
Additionally, there is little doubt that used reasonably, drugs or exercise or meditation expand men's creative abilities, which then are an alternative form of gratification. This distracts a man from his drive for sexual variety and takes pressure off the marriage and the wife.
For women there are more numerous benefits. Any biochemical process that allows a woman to more fully focus on her child's simple but crucial doings will improve both their lives. Relieving the relentless symptoms of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing does nothing but good. One-pointedness is critical to cooking and the tending of the sick. Short term memory impairment is a virtual guarantee of a better sex life for a woman, and thus for her husband. And sexually contented husbands are more likely to be happily involved with household chores and child care.
These things all add up to an easier, more contented, more satisfying marriage for both partners. Indeed, in more primitive times or conditions, they can make the difference not only between staying together or not, but surviving or not. So, you ask, is Mom advocating for repeal of the drug laws and widespread marital reefer-sharing? No, not really, and certainly not in the short run. Over time, perhaps; we certainly should consider reclassifying TOBACCO as a harmful drug. Then we could let the helpful and non-carcinogenic marijuana take a place on the store shelves.
But in the short term, there is much we can do. Exercise, meditation and thoughtful, focused living are affordable and legal everywhere. Best of all, you can start tomorrow and benefit by tomorrow night. Take a walk to a bookstore. Buy a copy of the Tao. Walk home and read a page to your spouse. There aren't a lot of improvements so simple, so profound, and so quick to make.
Men can accept that marriage is not a plot against their best interests; that their sex drive is better focused into a family than thrashing them into every kind of trouble the heart and hands can find. And women can accept that they were made to spend their young adulthood nurturing, before they take their wisdom out to the world.
Anyone can see that women, married or not, don't do much crime. However, for men, the difference is graphic; almost all male criminals are unmarried and virtually EVERY violent criminal is an unmarried man. Contrary to superficial impressions, women more easily than men can find lasting satisfaction and contentment outside the family. Marriage may be desired by women, they don't need it. But if men are to live their best lives, women must marry them and bear their children. Our society isn't suffering because not enough women are married; it IS suffering because not enough men are married!
We have our lives all turned around sometimes, buying more bread than we need and then claiming there is no money left for flowers; disconnecting from our families then looking to strangers real or electronic to fill the gaps in our souls. Using sex for itself instead of letting it make our place in a family.
Let my friend's reminder to me be a blessing to you, too. Go get The Botany of Desire. You will find something in it to inspire you.
